August 05, 2006

Today is my second day at Golden City.  The journey here was quite something.  Our plane could not land in Hong Kong due to a typhoon.   It was strange, I felt like getting here was going to take a bit more effort ( I guess the typhoon was part of that extra effort, the plane almost crash landed).  When we arrived in August 4th we were not the only ones who were running late.  I somehow did not feel exhausted.  I remember being apprehensive of being there for 21 days.  It was so basic.  I am getting used to the idea and starting to relish it.

This feeling which I have  whenever I am bored is starting to show up.  It is like something I have to scratch.  I feel energized by it, like they are micro-blockages all over my body and they can really uncomfortable.  I am really anxious for when the process starts in earnest.  Some one told me they had sang the Moola Mantra in their head and they were out of it for 2 hours.  I tried one, could not quite remember the last bit ot the mantra, but I could really feel something. It was more than what usually happens when I sing the Moola Mantra.  Off to lunch.  I am expecting things to get really interesting as I continue my process.

August 06, 2006

Last night the retreat officially started.  I felt like this sense of belonging and at the same time a feeling that something momentous was about to take place.  Things feels so normal, regular, but at the same time not.  There is this something in the air.  It is actually the reverse it as if something is missing.  There is so much peace here.

One more time I had a bit of restless night.  I woke up in the middle of the night.  I was getting through my fears.  I felt fear in my heart and I found it very strange.  Then I later felt fear in my belly.  There is this sense that alot of the emotions I am going through are not mine.  Then I am not quite sure it is a knowing or something I have been taught so I just re-hash it.  Last night I surrendered the fears I have been feeling to Amma and Baghavan.  It felt so natural. I keep on worrying about stuff.  It is as if in this place with no worries I am trying to create things to worry about.  My favorite one seems to be my health, which by the way is excellent.  Today is day two this will be a wonderful rollercoaster ride.

—–End of day —-

Today was actually a pretty interesting day.  It started with a pretty nice state close to “the in-between”.  We had a our morning meditation we were aware of our breath.  Then my mind calmed and quieted.  At the end we were told to outside and walk around, or stay quiet for the next 20 min.  I walked outside listened to all I could and enjoyed nature.  There was a point in time where I felt like my brain could not handle all the information.  I then kept enjoying as much as I could.  There was this crow. that was flying really low and close.  It then perched on a tree close by.  I was able to watch it quite close.  Now that I think about it I should have watched it longer.  Later AnandaGiri had a talk.  The part where he re-iterated that you=suffering kind of scared me.  He was talking about the ego=the sense of existence as seperate I guess.  His gaze at the beginning was profound.

I had so much expectation.  As the talk progressed my old self seemed to come.  The sense of agitation or odd energy flow went away.  It was different, even though it did not feel extraordinary.  Later we had our first deeksha.  It was very sub-dued and very quick.  I was a bit angry at how quick my deesha was, my ego was hurt.  I then layed down and pondered this sense of disappointment. mixed with hurt.  I decided to see the whole thing as a lesson.  In the night session the Dasa talked about how if one deosn’t feel any extraordinary experience during deeksha it doesn’t mean that nothing is going on.  I guess I Was not the only one who found it subdued.

August 07, 2006

Today we dd our first Chakra Dhyana.  It was interesting.  At first the meditation hall was cold then, the AC turned OFF.  I was very grateful and thanked god.  It then stayed off for a very long time.  I told myself I would not complain,  even though it was getting quite hot.  When I started to think about how this was one big joke, as the temperature rose the AC turned ON.  It was getting cold quick.  We then started doing the Chakra Dhyana and I felt the energy (the warmth).  I was having trouble being comfortable, but there was so much warmth.  I felt wach Chakra.  The crown Chakra was interesting because I think this was the first time I felt it.  No, I take that back.  It felt familiar.  As we lay down I felt warm around my crown Chakra.  God/The sun of God, or whatever it was warmed my crown Chakra.  It was just like being outside with mild sun in the Sky and feeling the heat.

In the middle of the day we meditated on my god, the inner dweller.  There was a video of John Farman which was played.  He was talking about coincidence in life being the work of God.  It felt like the video was being shown just for me.  Actually I have felt like all the videos were being shown just for me.  During the meditation on the inner dweller I felt this sense of gratitude and joy.  At the end of the meditation I held god and I loved “him”, but I had this question as to whether my love was unconditional.  I was somewhat sad I could not say yes with certainty.   I was not sure!

Tonight we watched “dragonfly”.  It was a wonderful movie which showed how the mind can hide the truth.  It showed how we can be receiving messages daily, have grace knocking at the door but the mind keeps on getting in the way.  Once again I felt like that was wonderful for me.  We then had a ceremony with the Paduka’s even though I don’t remember feeling the Paduka’s.   I was wondering if it was all by intent or if I blacked out or something.  I was amazed by the power of prayer.  During the ceremony as I called my God to fill me, fill me with divine grace I felt this warmth where my hands were clasped; it filled my entire body.  I did this more than once and each time the warmth was there,  it was beautiful.  The warmth  was at my hear warming my hands, but I could also feel something emanating from my clasped hands.